Power and Drama: How to Cut the Crap

A client revealed some serious power dynamics at play in his family and work relationships: a struggle for dominance, influence, and meaning was producing some intense negative hoopla.

The drama dynamic works like this: Victim - Rescuer - Persecutor. The three roles play out in a vicious spin of yuck. The Persecutor, or Bad Guy, asserts their authority to force an outcome; the Victim feels bullied and powerless and cries out 'woe is me'; and the Rescuer surges in to save the day.

Sounds like a classic Hero story on the surface. However, when you look at the power struggle, you see the insidious side of it all.

Let's use this scenario:

• Mum is at home with two ratty kids and feels frustrated, anxious, and powerless (Victim).
• She sees the kids as the source of all her angst (they are the Bad Guys).
• Dad comes home and at last she is going to get some relief (Dad appears as the Knight in Shining Armour - the Rescuer).
• Dad sees the crazy situation in the house as he arrives with kids out of control (Bad Guys) and wife in tears (victim), so he decides he needs to fix it and fix it quick (Rescuer) because he is tired and just wants to chill out.
• So Dad storms in, yells at the kids to behave and sends them to their room (Dad becomes big scary bad guy).
• Kids run away crying because Dad has turned into red-faced Tasmanian Devil (they feel like victims).
• Mum is upset because Dad has just yelled and the kids are crying again (she feels like victim again).
• She says, "Did you really have to make them cry? They're only little." (Mum steps as rescuer thinking Dad's reaction was a little over the top).
• "You always so that," she says. "You've got such a temper. I just wanted you to help not be an a**hole." (mum turns on Dad, bitches him out and becomes the Bad Guy simultaneously enacting the Rescuer role).
• Dad is tired and a little surprised by his wife's response and ponders if life is really meant to be like this as he cracks a beer and drinks - alone - on the porch. (Dad moves into victim). He gets depressed, drinks some more (victim) until he has an all-out row with his wife (Bad Guy again).

And round and around it goes.

Until you cut the crap. Here's how:

• Recognise you are getting sucked into the Drama Vortex. You can tell any time you feel angry, upset, and supremely peeved off at someone. This bit of awareness is like pressing 'pause' on the drama energy and gives you the breathing space to search for a new perspective.
• Once you've pressed pause, you can ask three of the most powerful questions that act like circuit breakers to the crap cycle:

1. What can I learn from this?
2. What might be good about this situation?
3. What do I want instead?

• You can ask those questions from any point in the Drama Vortex. It will put you squarely back in the driver's seat and in a real place of power to take inspired action from a place of love and compassion.

Here's a couple of things to know:

• The Drama Vortex is driven by a few underlying forces. These include a general sense of powerlessness that is fed by fear, anger, vengeance and a search for meaning. 
• For the Victim this turns up as a need to feel significant in being rescued. 
• For the Rescuer it turns up as a strong desire to help others - to be the one to save the day - as a way of feeling important and purposeful. 
• For the Persecutor, their sense of meaning comes from a desire to overcome powerlessness by asserting dominance.

This dynamic plays out in families, in cultural ethos, and in whole nations and continents. You can even play out the three roles in your own head by the way you talk to yourself: "I'm such a loser no one will ever love me (victim). Come on, you can do better than that! Let's get an ice cream to feel better (rescuer). Not an ice cream you fat lazy slob! (persecutor) Yeah, you're right, I'm a fat, good for nothing loser (victim). (This story is soooo familiar to the old me! And so easy to fall back in to).

So if it's so crappy, why do people find it so hard to crack out of it?

The Drama Vortex is very seductive. The energy is high and edgy - that's the drama part of it - and you can get hooked on the adrenaline. That's why bullies pick fights, that's why you may find yourself subconsciously stirring up trouble - just to get a reaction. Like when I say absolute rubbish to Rob just to make sure he's paying attention and hear him protest - sentences that start with, "you always..." or "you never...[buy me diamonds/rub my shoulders/tell me how nice I look]"

The alternative energy to Drama is the energy of Love and Compassion. When you're flowing these two biggies, there is no space for anger, resentment, judgment, and power games. The frequency doesn't allow it.

So back to mum, dad, and the kids. If you do like my client did, you can crack the Drama Vortex in a heartbeat. When he came home he saw his lovely wife in tears and instead of jumping into rescuer/bad guy sort-it-out-quick mode, he said, "Well, how about we just go for a little walk and take a little time out." And on that walk they flowed love and appreciation for each other and let the drama dissipate. They got home and and in that space of love they worked out what was needed to give mum a break and to help the kids learn boundaries. They solved the challenges together - while flowing love.

You can't flow love when you are beetroot red in the face and spitting the dummy.

You can only be Master of your own life when you come from a place of peace and love.

Coach's challenge:

How are you doing on that score? Got any tips you'd like to share on how to crack the Drama Vortex? I'd love to hear them - this is my persistent invitation for you to comment and share your wisdom and love. Please do!