3 Secrets For An Awesome Relationship

Seems to be the season for relationship break downs around here. I've got a few friends moving like molasses through the pain of separation. I am sad for them, and yet I know there is good stuff lying in wait around the corner.

For my husband Rob, who is a divorce lawyer, and who was divorced himself before we met, it's always the season, day in day out. I figured if anyone might know the secrets to a good relationship, it might be him - someone who sees what doesn't work every day. 

Plus I've been told many times over that our marriage is the source of much inspiration for others. We have a GREAT relationship! So here are some insights from our respective experiences.

1. "Families who play together stay together." This is Rob's #1 top secret to a successful relationship. What he means is that you enjoy each other's company, that you have some common interests, that you have adventures together. That's why we go on skiing trips, go body boarding in the surf, go running together, watch movies, play with the chickens and hang out together. We like each other's company.

2. Enjoy your respective 'boy time' and 'girl time'. We hang out together, but we don't live our lives in each other's pockets. Rob plays tennis with the boys on Wednesdays and Sundays and I get facials, massages, and this weekend I'm going for high tea with the girls. Bring it on. 

3. You don't divorce your best friend. Rob asked me, 'how many times in your life have you ditched a best friend?' Stumped me. My closest friends are still my closest friends, even though we are continents apart and don't see each other often. There's a sense of unconditional support and appreciation, a non-judgment of best friends that holds the relationship together. Apply this to your own intimate relationship.

I promised you three, but I'm on a roll now, so here are a few more:

4. Always speak your truth. If something is niggling, bring it up. Do this before your head explodes with all the imagined responses and twists and excuses and other crapola that your imagination can drum up.

5. Acknowledge that you are not responsible for someone else's happiness. Sure it's easier to be around someone who is tip toeing through the tulips every day, but you cannot make them happy - they have to do that for themselves. You can't love someone enough to make them happy. They've got to do that - from the inside out. Your job is to tend your own happiness, your own focus, your own emotional vibration - that is something YOU can control, so focus on that. Bonus: your joie  de vivre will tend to rub off on others.

6.Stop needing them to change. Are there things about Rob's behaviour I don't like? Sure. Like when he leaves the toilet seat up. Grrrr... He says, "I put the lid down as much as much as you close the door to the outside when the heater is on." So if you're going to point fingers, they get pointed back. Focus instead on appreciating what you do like - like the way he brings me flowers from the office every Friday. I LOVE that!

7.Create your own rituals, inside secrets, and family culture. All the examples I can think of are adults-only. Except for maybe the 'tea top up' command which means, "please can you show me  that you love me by filling up my tea cup and really I am too lazy to do it for myself" or singing the 'clean-up song' we learned from my niece's day care as the signal for, 'let's do this boring task together and make it fun by acting like two-year olds'. (Did that sound as dorky as I think it does? Well I guess that's the point - we give ourselves permission to act a little like dorks and have some fun together, even with the mundane daily tasks).

8. Tell each other why you love each other, and why you like each other. Saying 'I love you' and then following it with 'because...' keeps the juicy parts of your relationship alive and fresh and bubbling. Kind of like a sourdough starter - you've got to keep feeding it.

9. Love you, and your life, on your own. You do not need anything or anyone or anywhere to make you feel good. All you need is the power of your focus, the direction of your attention. And the more you can do that, for yourself, in any given circumstances, the more you'll feel free. You'll fill with the joys of spring and every day will glisten with weekend delight. You will radiate compassion and sexiness and mojo galore. You'll be so filled with love that you will overflow with it, inviting others to play at your party. And that will fill your cup of love even more.

That's a short list - I would LOVE to hear your tips on relationships that rock your socks. Please leave a comment and let me know YOUR secrets.

Me and my honey on a bushwalk

7 Tips for Self Mastery

"Where do I start?" My favourite question from new clients. They're ready for something different that will shake them up, ease the path, and make every day weekend bliss.

Luckily, there is a magic formula. A formula I've downloaded from the Universe and my own turbulent roller coaster ride. It's worked for me, and it works for my clients.

But please. Let this be FUN, enjoyable, and a delicious unfolding.

Not a task list, a chore, an effort-full ordeal. I'm so not into that anymore.

So here's the juice on how to follow your inner C.O.M.P.A.S.S.

Tip 1 - C- Courage and Self-belief
This is the fundamental component to any achievements, any effort any creative endeavour. There are many complex aspect to this component, however, to get a massive kick-start do this exercise:

Write out "I am awesome because..." and list 50 answers.

Self-belief and self appreciation will be on turbo power!

Tip 2 - O - Orientation True North
Many make finding and following your life's purpose way more complicated than it needs to be. For those who like to ponder, I recommend the following texts for guidance:

• Martha Beck's Steering by Starlight
• Lance Secretan's The Spark, the Flame, the Torch
• Guy Finley's The Giant Leap

And for the ultimate in life purpose guidance I turn to Sir Richard Branson: "do what you love and have fun." Period. That's it! Nice, huh?!

Tip 3 - M - Magnetic Ripples

This is about how to connect deeply with others and create momentum on your dreams. How do you do THAT?

Start with compassion. That's knowing and understanding how someone else might be feeling (walk in someone else's high heels), and then be able to act with wisdom (so you don't get swept away with feelings). This about letting emotions release without releasing all over someone else! Tales practise.

Tip 4 - P - Panoramic 360 view
This is the capacity to look and see from as many different perspectives as possible. You can use the virtual Board of Directors to help flesh this one and give it some legs. (I have Sir Richard Branson, the Dalai Lama, my coach, Warren Buffet on my directors table). From time to time I consult them about a decision. It helps get some broader perspective that's for sure!

Tip 5 - A - Architecture of Beliefs
This aspect is critical. Beliefs are your operating software; they're either running programs that run smoothly with little effort, or they serve up struggle-street. Knowing how to re-wire beliefs is the single most powerful self-mastery skill you can master for long-term results.

How to do this? There are a multitude of techniques. Here is the simplest. Pick a belief you want running your life. For example, "I can have anything I desire." Write it out. Write it out again. Repeat 21 times per day. Repeat with enthusiasm and conviction. Whisper it to yourself as you go to sleep. Repetition will anchor the new belief as your new operating software.

Tip 6 - S - Surroundings
Never underestimate how your surroundings affect your attitude and your outcomes. There is lot of fun stuff to do here - including feng shui, colour, scents, decorating, and more.

Here's an easy tip: pick something you don't like in your surroundings. Replace it with something that makes you heart sing. Repeat each week with something new until everything in your surroundings makes your heart sing.

Tip 7 - Self-care
I have not met a single person who had no room to improve in this area. Seriously, self-care needs to be upgraded for most of us. It could be any aspect - sleep, nutrition, exercise, rest, relaxation, wardrobe, car cleanliness, see the dentist, get regular checks (blood pressure, eyes, hearing, breasts, etc), time out.

You probably know where you need to improve. So pick one thing (say, drink 2 more glasses of water per day) and do it.

Mastery of Self is the first ring in the 5 Rings of Magnetic Leadership. These are the capacities I help my clients fine tune so they can continue to expand as influential, capable leaders. I share with them all the how-tos and finer details in my program, the Co-Creators of Awesomeness. Check it out here.

Now you can get the support materials I publish for my exclusive coaching clients, and coach yourself to Self Mastery. I look forward to you joining us!

Zoe
p.s. If you join before the end of 2011 you can get ongoing access to the coaching resources at the current introductory rate. So hop on over and get started now :)

Six Ways To Think Like Steve Jobs

Does anyone else wonder what will happen to Apple now that Steve-The-Genius Jobs has passed on? If there is ever to be a test of his leadership, it's now; what survives when the leader doesn't? We may not know for a few years yet.

Here's what has survived - the example he set in his fierce and fearless approach to design and business, and how you can think like the mega-man too.

1. When things get tough, innovate. What did most businesses do during the onset of the Global Financial Crisis? They cut back: jobs, marketing budgets, expenses. Apple increased its innovation and design budget. When things get tough, that's when you need to invest even more in innovation - according to Jobs.


"The cure for Apple is not cost-cutting. The cure for Apple is to innovate its way out of its current predicament."  As quoted in Apple Confidential 2.0: The Definitive History of the World's Most Colorful Company (2004) by Owen W. Linzmayer


2. People need to be cheered up. So do the unpopular thing. When the terrorists struck the Twin Towers in 2001, many businesses stopped in their tracks, afraid. The iPod however was announced just a few weeks later, on October 23rd. People thought Jobs was crazy to continue with the release of the iPod. If ever there was a time that people needed good news this was it. Jobs knew this:

"It will go down in history as a turning point for the music industry. This is landmark stuff. I can't overestimate it!" - On the iPod and the iTunes Music Store, as quoted in Fortune magazine (12 May 2003)


So while the world mourned, Jobs brought them hope and the belief in the human spirit and its potential.

3. Think about the people. Jobs had an unerring respect and consideration for his customer. He knew they wanted simplicity and elegance. And all the Apple products delivered on this.

"Look at the design of a lot of consumer products — they're really complicated surfaces. We tried to make something much more holistic and simple. When you first start off trying to solve a problem, the first solutions you come up with are very complex, and most people stop there. But if you keep going, and live with the problem and peel more layers of the onion off, you can often times arrive at some very elegant and simple solutions. Most people just don't put in the time or energy to get there. We believe that customers are smart, and want objects which are well thought through." On the design of the iPod, as quoted in Newsweek (14 October 2006)

4. Be radically creative. And know when to say 'no'. You can be disciplined about creativity. And you can also encourage wild and bold runaway thoughts that lead to breakthroughs as much as they do dead-ends. The trick is to know which is which.

"The system is that there is no system. That doesn't mean we don't have process. Apple is a very disciplined company, and we have great processes. But that's not what it's about. Process makes you more efficient. But innovation comes from people meeting up in the hallways or calling each other at 10:30 at night with a new idea, or because they realized something that shoots holes in how we've been thinking about a problem. It's ad hoc meetings of six people called by someone who thinks he has figured out the coolest new thing ever and who wants to know what other people think of his idea. And it comes from saying no to 1,000 things to make sure we don't get on the wrong track or try to do too much. We're always thinking about new markets we could enter, but it's only by saying no that you can concentrate on the things that are really important." - As quoted in "The Seed of Apple's Innovation" in BusinessWeek (12 October 2004)


Know what's important to you and your business, and let this be your compass bearing.

5. Invite others' opinions. Trust your own. Being a leader is knowing that to consult others is essential, and to be open to changing your opinions as a result. It's also knowing when to stand firm in your vision of what's possible.

"Because I'm the CEO, and I think it can be done.' - On why he chose to override engineers who thought the iMac wasn't feasible, as quoted in TIME magazine (24 October 2005)

6. Know why you do what you do. Leaving the planet with a 7 billion net worth seems like a worthy achievement. But Jobs's financial success was just a bi-product of his real intention.


"I was worth about over a million dollars when I was twenty-three and over ten million dollars when I was twenty-four, and over a hundred million dollars when I was twenty-five and it wasn't that important because I never did it for the money." - Interview in the PBS documentary Triumph of the Nerds: The Rise of Accidental Empires (1996)


And in his own words, about when it's all over...

"Being the richest man in the cemetery doesn't matter to me ... Going to bed at night saying we've done something wonderful... that's what matters to me." - On the success of Bill Gates and Microsoft, as quoted in The Wall Street Journal (Summer 1993)

Zoe
p.s. There are more great Steve Jobs quotes here.

When is "enough is enough"?

"How long are you going to put with this?"

I've asked this of clients who complained of cheating partners, of insubordinate staff, of poor health and body image, of cluttered homes.

This is my favourite question to clients who finish a litany of woes. It's a great circuit breaker.

It's also the crux of the matter.

People will often wait until rock bottom until they do something. Rock bottom varies from heart attacks,  bankruptcy, yet another affair, getting hit one more time, and so on. My rock bottom was cancer. It was a harsh lesson in self-management. I don't want that for you.

In any painful situation you always have two choices:
1. Change how you think about the situation.
2. Change the situation.

Changing how you think takes effort and is not all that easy. This is for when you decide to let go of needing anyone or anything to change, and focus on your own inner dialogue. This is also when you move from victim to being a learner and author of your own life experience. Scary. And empowering.

Changing the situation requires courage. That's why most of us tend to put up with pain and suffering far longer than we need or ought to. It's also a little of 'better the devil you know'. Change is scarier than the miserable status quo.

It's amazing the human capacity for suffering to avoid change - a huge threshold for pain. Much greater than it needs to be or ought to be. We tolerate far too much.

The next most important question after 'how long are you going to put with this?' is, "what is this costing you?"
and then,
"what will it cost you in one year if nothing changes? in five years? in ten?"

When you way up the risk of change with the cost of inaction, it gets pretty clear that doing nothing is the real source of pain.

So when do you cue "enough is enough"?

When you know what your values are, it's clear.

When you have strong boundaries about what is appropriate behaviour and what is not, it's clear.

When you have strong self-esteem, it's clear.

When you know your needs and your personal safety are the most important thing, then it's clear.

When you decide to be captain of your own ship, taking responsibility for everything in your life, then it's clear.

Don't let rock bottom, poverty, a heart attack, depression, and yet another affair, be your trigger for change. Value yourself, your life, and your happiness above all else, and DO something about it.

You deserve and have the right to be happy.

Zoe
p.s. Do you have an inspiring story of when you got to 'enough is enough'? Please share with us in the comments.
p.p.s. Want to increase your Self Mastery so you never get to rock bottom? Learn how to lead with your inner C.O.M.P.A.S.S. here.